Just the facts, ma'am

First, let me start with the updates. The Holloway benefit has been rescheduled to May 21, as this Sunday is el dia de las madres, as Mr. Sonnenberg said.

Also, the heritage music fest in Wheeeeeling says on the website that a lineup will be posted May 15. I checked pollstar.com and by golly, 4 acts are already lined up, including Anthony Gomes at noon on Saturday. So we'll be checking that.

Furthermore, Donna has signed on for GNO for September. This leaves August open. Any takers?

Last night, we went to Beckett's and Donna was there going on about having hired drug addicts to install a new fence, drug addicts who felt that, after one day of hard labor, they were too pooped to participate any further. So now she has bags of concrete sitting around and no fence posts.

Then some guy inserts himself amongst me and Jenks and Donna and strikes up conversation and finally Donna leaves (after identifying herself as Susan on the second round of introductions) and then this guy just INSISTS that I accompany him to Uptown to dance. I am in a mood. Jenks can tell. She leaves, I make this guy buy me another vodka tonic, the bar is rocking with drunk youth singing along to Led Zeppelin Gus has on the stereo. We watch the end of the Indians game and I agree to go to Uptown. In the meantime we have conversed:

Me: Ever been married?

Guy: No

Me: Why not?

Guy (taken aback): I don't know

Me: Ever killed anybody?

Guy: WHAT?!@!?!

Also we arm wrestled. He claimed he was 43. I told him how old I am. He said At least I'm not 21. I said, My view is: you're old enough to buy me a drink, you're old enough.

Also, he said I was "good-looking" and had "a nice shape." This guy has to get some better lines. Because, as we know, I have heard them all.

At Uptown, a vodka tonic was $1. Quality liquor. So we danced to You Drive Me Crazy by the Fine Young Cannibals, a song I actually like. Then I went to the bathroom and when I came out, I slipped out the back door, past the pool players, onto the street and home. Luckily, I had my cloak of invisibility on. I was home in bed with toast and milk at 11:20.

I don't know what gets into me. The only thing I regret is that Gus saw me leave the bar with this lunatic loser. I would like to see those drag queens at Uptown again sometime though. Maybe the night before Amy's birthday. What say, girls?